The Iron Mask – Or How Many Beards Can You Fit in One Film?

Listen, I went into The Iron Mask (or Viy 2, if you wanna sound fancy at home in Sundsvall) with expectations as mixed as a bag of lösgodis from Hemmakväll. Jackie Chan *and* Arnold Schwarzenegger, locked up together in a British jail, sword fighting in weird wigs? Jason Flemyng thrown in for some reason? Almost too much for a småstadspojk.

First ten minutes and I was already confused. This mishmash of Russian fairy tale, kung fu, terrible CGI, and British Monty Python-humor vibes… Honestly, I couldn’t decide if I was in love or annoyed. The director, Oleg Stepchenko, seems a bit like that guy at the local pizzeria who insists pineapple *belongs* on pizza – you gotta respect the guts, even if sometimes you wish he didn’t have so many toppings. Same with the producer – I read Jackie had a hand in making this happen, which sort of explains why everything feels like a cross between Rush Hour and some mad Russian fairytale.

I remember one winter morning, must’ve been in 1991, my dad dragged me to see Conan the Barbarian at an old, freezing cinema in Hägersten. Arnie was a god among action gods, his accent making the popcorn taste funnier. Now? Arnie’s got this twinkle in his eye, clearly having the time of his life swordfighting grumpy old Jackie. Couldn’t help but cheer. The movie’s overloaded and makes your head spin, but god, it’s sort of charming. I think it’s like putting too much ketchup on the pyttipanna late at night: messy, probably not what the chef wanted, but if you eat it with friends, you don’t mind.

If you’re into wild rides and the sight of two old legends hamming it up, give it a go. Don’t expect Oscar-material, just have a beer or some julmust and enjoy the show.

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